The Vampire Manifestomo!

[Tomokato]

The Vampire Manifesto #1

Edited by The English Devil, A D Dawson

http://thevampiremanifesto.piczo.com/vampirefront2008?cr=4

http://www.lulu.com/content/3464210

Let's start with the website. Does The English Devil, mores jokes on that later, really think this website is the best vehicle for promoting this literary masterpiece of shit? That fucking metal texture background should be fucking banned from the interwebz. That shit is so fucking bad, I don't even need to point out this thing is free LULU download.

[Tomokato]

Vampires of the world unite; you have nothing to lose but your chains… ha… bollocks…
I want everyone to take a deep breath, and just breathe in the awesomeness of that statement.

[Tomokato]

In the guidelines I asked for vampire tales and poetry, which explored the identity of the vampire alongside the culture and society within which they operate… and, without a doubt, that is what I received.

Every night I pray to Paul that I won't have to do another Tomoview. I'm starting to think Paul hates me. 

Even the most thick-headed of readers will understand that the vampire behaves as others should not be expected to.

This is not a nice way to address you target audience.

[Ron]

It seems you are getting what you pay for. 

[Ron]

Even the most thick-headed of readers will understand that the vampire behaves as others should not be expected to.

Even the most moronic of editors will behave in ways that real editors are not expected to.

[Ron]

He smiled like a loon… in the teeth that they had given to him.

This line makes me want to vomit in the mouth I have been given.

[Tomokato]

Vampire Vixen

Written by Mike Philbin & Alex Severin

Before I even get started, I want to take a moment to fucking   whoever laid the PDF for this book.



BAD BOOK BURN TOMO!

 

[Tomokato]

Vampyre brushed her pink teeth with an abrasive-cleaning product.

Tomo thumbed out his eyeballs, and popped them into a vat of bleach.


She had this funny itch in her groin and she wondered if she had finally picked up something from all those bloodfuckers she hung out with.

There is nothing funny about groin itch. Bloodfuckers!

Those                     fisting analists.

Large gaping space left in, just like in the pdf.

[Tomokato]

Internally, anatomical changes ensured she could fit into her sleeping box the length of an infant.

This is in the running for dumbest fucking sentence ever.

In the cellar where the blood vats fermented, a red whiskered rat scampered across a cold, cobbled floor. Squeaked mournfully as a shaft of electric light cast across it from a creaking door opening.

I wish I had a door that shot beams of light when I opened it.

Bare feet descended a final inspection.

  says what?   

[Tomokato]

she felt like an engorged phallus  making love to a wooden foam and silk lined pussy.

While I am a big fan of silk lined pussy, I have never heard of wooden foam.

[Ron]

The Fisting Analists would be a cool band name.


Just dug straight into the mainline with the dental drainage pipes and suck till you are a bloated tick.

Logic failure! If a vampire drained all your blood, would you really bloat like a tick? No, of course not! It is the vampire that would be bloated. This is the sort of stupidity that leads to space ships being shot while traveling at warp speed.

[Tomokato]

The way women raise one foot onto the toilet to insert a tampon, so Vampyre inspected her gash in the full-length mirror of the bathroom.

That line gave me some serious fucking douche chills.

[Ron]

I also love that they named their vampire Vampyre. That's so clever. That's like the time my then-five year old daughter wanted to name her goldfish Goldie.

[Tomokato]

The dry husk of dangling labia was like an abomination.

Dusty Meatcurtains would be a fucking kick ass porn name.

If you quickly glanced at a Polaroid of her labial geometry

LABIAL GEOMETRY would be the best band never ever. Pussy Polaroids would be pretty good too.

[Ron]

The way women raise one foot onto the toilet to insert a tampon, so Vampyre inspected her gash in the full-length mirror of the bathroom.

That line gave me some serious fucking douche chills.

Mmmm... Limber!