Since I can’t write my way out of a paper bag, I have given the honor of killing Brian Keene to my 12 year old daughter Ariell. I think I made the right choice.
YOU ARE DEAD BRIAN YOU ARE DEAD
By: Ariell Branson
It was a dark and stormy Sunday night (No actually it was mid-afternoon on a Tuesday, but that’s not important), Brian Keene was at the zoo (no one knows why exactly) and it was almost closing time. He was on the way out the gates of the zoo when he had a sudden craving for cotton candy. He knew the zoo was about to close, but he really wanted some cotton candy! So he turned around and headed to the nearest vending stand which was closed so he kept walking deeper and deeper into the zoo looking for an open stand, this was his grave mistake. You see Brian was so overcome by his need for cotton candy that he wasn’t thinking clearly. I mean seriously, who wanders farther and farther into a zoo when it’s already closed??? But I’m not here to criticize, I’m here to tell you Brian’s story. What Brian didn’t know (neither did the rest of the American public), was that there had been an outbreak of rabies at this particular zoo (which will remain unnamed for legal purposes).
As Brian wandered the zoo in search for his cotton candy, a certain flamingo who we will call Mr. Pinkfluffymanwhoisactuallyaflamingo was following him. Mr. Pinkfluffymanwhoisactuallyaflamingo had recently been infected with an especially nasty case of rabies. Now I know most of you have had rabies before so I won’t go in to the nasty details, but Mr. Pinkfluffymanwhoisactuallyaflamingo was experiencing them. Mr. Pinkfluffymanwhoisactuallyaflamingo was feeling a need most people and flamingos that have had rabies are all too familiar with, the need to bite someone. Poor Brian was the first person our friend the flamingo spotted and he immediately focused all his attention on him. I’m sure you’re wondering a few things right now, how Mr. Pinkfluffymanwhoisactuallyaflamingo got out of his pen is probably the first thing that popped into your head. Well my response to that would have to be………. As I was saying our flamingo friend was stalking Brian when Brian made another mistake, he stopped to tie his shoe. I know what parents and gym teachers and all other authority figures say, “tie your shoes or you’ll trip over them and hurt yourself.” If this advice had never been given to Brian he might still be alive, I for one blame society for his demise.
When Brian was tying his shoes, Mr. Pinkfluffymanwhoisactuallyaflamingo saw his opportunity and attacked. If you have ever seen a rabid flamingo attack a man who is bending over to tie his shoes, then you understand how outstandingly horrific this scene was. Unfortunately, society yet again succeeded in failing to protecting our hero. The people who owned the zoo were lazy and decided to close up for a week (it wasn’t a special week just a random choice), proving just how unlucky our friend Brian was. Because of this, Brian’s body was regrettably left without treatment for an entire week, leaving him to go through the many stages of rabies before eventually dying the day before the zoo reopened. Thankfully this was the day the health inspector came for his examination. Trust me it’s hard to explain why the dead body of a horror author is lying dead next to a deceased flamingo and a cotton candy cart, I was there.
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